Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
