whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dear god my vagina.
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