somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
