Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
