i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
