I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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