Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
