We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
