I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
