It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
As shirtless as possible
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
