Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I understand Curling. That high.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
