Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
