Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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