Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
