his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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