I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
