Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
