You really coming over, don't trick.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher