Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
