I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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