Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
