i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
