so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
the raccoons are back...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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