I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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