He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
