it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
