Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
