Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
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He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
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i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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