I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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