If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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