I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
