Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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