If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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