It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
