so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
