i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
