I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
