Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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