Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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