nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
