i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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