I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
