it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
be right there i have to get my cape
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
