i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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