One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
