do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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