He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
