respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
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Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
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I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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