Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
