Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
