so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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