Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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