totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
