i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
