I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You are the jesus of drinking
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
