my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
