i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
