It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
