My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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