he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
