you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
handjob tips. give me some.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
