Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
